Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In sparked an awful lot of debate and interest among women professionals. Sandberg tells us things we ought to know, but on a very basic level haven’t considered, because our instincts tell us to react in ways that don’t serve us in the business world.
In her book, Sheryl remembers a meeting she had with Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner and four members of his staff – all women. As the men took their seats at the table, the four women chose chairs off to the side. Sheryl wrote, “The four women had every right to be at this meeting, but because of their seating choice, they seemed like spectators rather than participants.” Exploring a basic lack of confidence typically found more frequently in women than in men, she said that self doubt manifests itself in women pulling back instead of assuming a rightful place at the table. She goes on to say, “This phenomenon of capable people being plagued by self-doubt has a name – the imposter syndrome. Both men and women are susceptible…but women tend to experience it more intensely and be more limited by it.”
Even though my skin started to crawl, I understood that we (women) control our own destinies. It got me thinking about The Fraud Factor or as she put it, the ‘Imposter Syndrome.’ I thought that because I’m a woman, I tend to lean away from ‘leadership roles’ or ‘sitting at the table’ because what if I get caught not knowing something or what if I make a mistake. The ancient nature of my gender’s leadership role has been on the home front – that’s where I am clear about what’s expected of me. GASP! I was home with my kids for eight years when they were little and although I LOVED it and was good at it, it was the hardest job I ever had. Running herd at home in the 21st century, you have specific parameters but the expectations are a tad unrealistic, demanding and often with no end in sight. Ever since the Enjoli perfume commercial back in the 80’s, we who stayed at home with kids were destined to fall short because now it was expected that we do both; run the house and work outside of it. The commercial went something like this:
“I can put the wash on the line, feed the kids, get dressed, pass out the kisses and get to work by 5 to 9. ‘Cause I’m a Woman I can bring home the Bacon! Fry it up in a Pan! And Never, Never, Never let you forget You’re a Man! ‘Cause I’m a Woman!
Kill me now…
And of course, anyone failing to meet this ideal became unfit for human consumption. Popular TED Talk and academic, Brene Brown says the fallout from this one commercial pretty much guaranteed a significant spike in the sales of antidepressant and anxiety medications. The expectations for women only increased. Not only were we expected to handle the complex variables involved with running a household and raising children, but we could add to it going to work and now …becoming women business leaders!!! Those women liberators didn’t think this through. If we went to work, who was going to pick up the slack? (uncomfortable clearing of the throat)…..I’m hearing crickets! No wonder we are terrified of sitting at the table. God forbid we drop the damn ball!
Let me take that one step further and say I have had this crazy notion since I was a little girl that ‘somebody is coming.’ On a cellular level I have been programmed to believe that someone male is suiting up in chainmail and heading in my direction. His trusty white steed is excitedly pawing the ground waiting for this strong and confident Knight to hop on with his mission clear; to scoop me up, make me feel safe, secure and save me from…. well… I’m not really sure what. Phew! He’s my back-up plan, just in case I blow it. Of course, normally I would never admit this to anyone one in the light of day. Are you kidding? My feminist girlfriends would tar, feather and shun me for life. But I know…, (because a select few and I have discussed it) they too have been programmed. Even when I was happily married, I still thought “Well…somebody’s coming, right?” I think I may have even looked at my watch on occasion. The fairytales I had grown up on not only confirmed this but led me to expect it. When life got challenging, there would apparently be an able-bodied (and probably terribly good looking) ‘man’ to come and rescue me.
Reality has certainly been a comeuppance, but a good one nonetheless. I was told by one of my long time women mentors, “Don’t focus on things outside yourself to determine whether you are okay.” I am ‘powerless’ over what other people, do, say or think. But what I am ’powerful’ over is my own actions and responses. Another male mentor told me, “Life is not about ‘knowing’. It’s about ‘learning’, “and once that becomes my template, I will be free. Free to make mistakes, free to ask questions, free to innovate and free to explore what’s possible – because ‘I’m learning’. REALLY sound advice.
So here’s the good news. Although we are incredibly capable creatures, as women so much of our fear about success is in our own heads. GASP again. It’s not that I don’t see the statistics stating otherwise. I absolutely do. I see that we are paid less for the same work. That it is extremely hard to professionally network with men executives (because when you walk up to a group of them, they stop talking). That men typically feel more comfortable doing a business deal with a man. And a thousand other things that weight the scale in their direction. I know all this. I live it every day. But here’s what else I know. Fear has no substance –it is made up of thoughts and memory. It’s up to me to create my own reality.
And women are doing it. Forty percent of Tech Valley Connect dual career couples have men as the ‘trailing spouse’. This indicates a significant number of women leaders in the executive pipeline. So go Sheryl Sandberg! Keep fighting the good fight. Keep showing up and doing a good job. Keep telling the truth!
And go Angela McNerney! Stop waiting for someone to come. Lose the chainmail and get your own damn horse.
I’ll see you at ‘the Table’ girlfriend!
To learn more unique ways to address employee retention click on…Tech Valley Connect or contact the author at [email protected] Angela McNerney is President of Tech Valley Connect, an organization assisting newly relocating professionals and their families to assimilate into the Capital Region of upstate New York.
Thank you for an amazingly astute article. You speak not only to your generation but to your mother’s generation as well. Although we tried to break free of the stereotypes imposed by our mothers and empower our daughters to believe they could do anything on their own and didn’t need “someone to come” and rescue them, the fairy tale syndrome has still lingered over the generations.
Bring this message to your daughters now, our granddaughters, so they hopefully will think it normal to sit at the head of the table. Carry on!
Angela, Thanks for an truly honest reflection on the ‘old’ having it all syndrome. Something to consider for those women who wish to create families is: marry a good partner. I can still recall one line in Sara Laschever’s book “Women Don’t Ask” – a young couple was expecting their first child, and the woman said to the man “How are you going to care for your child while you are at work?” Who has those conversations? We are all programmed that we can ‘bring home the bacon’ AND do it all at work… all the time. Impossible for any human. I have enjoyed some recent conversation about blending your time – rather than work/life balance which is not reality IMHO.
Another perspective, lower SES women have been doing it all for decades. Definitely no knights in shining armor and no choice about working and raising the kids simulutaneously and rarely are they even invited to the table.
Love the stat about the male trailing spouses…
Angela, your insight is, as usual, top notch. If I may dare, here are some thoughts from the guy’s perspective. As someone who managed to be a “trailing spouse” for over 20 years without ever leaving the same household, I found myself deferring to my wife’s career needs and doing my best to enable her as a part time entrepreneur, part time Mr. Mom and eventually, part time chamber director down in Mahopac. Even though I am quite male, I think I often suffered from the same maladies you spell out in your blog – simply put, a natural lack of confidence. Other people were supposed to have that chair in the middle of the table, not me. I was simply a support staff. My wife would encourage me to seek better opportunities and I always thought they were above my qualifications.
I remember that Enjoli commercial well – and here’s an insight, it intimidated MEN (at least this one!) as much as it did women, because we started assuming that there were indeed women who could be such a great supermom as that lady in the commercial! I for one knew that after a hard days work I wasn’t necessarily feeling up to “never letting my wife forget she’s a woman”, to mangle the phrase from the song. How do women do it? Well, as you demonstrate above, they often don’t. Not any more than the men do, because we are simply human beings.
If I may, I think the lesson learned for today’s business women is, stop trying to do everything. Men knew that a long time ago, which is why the bold, brash, well paid male boss automatically found his way to the best seat at the conference table. Its all he was worried about cause that was his whole job. Those four women may well have went to the side of Timothy Geithner’s table because they had their kids’ soccer practice on their minds and their husband’s dry cleaning to pick up and all these other distractions. Being at the center of the business table wasn’t their top priority or they’d have made it so. The guys in the room sure knew how to do that.
What I learned in life is, the woman in the Enjoli commercial doesn’t exist. The good news is, no man can do it all either. So male or female, don’t worry if you sacrificed some salary to be there for your kids or your spouse, which is what I did for 20 years. On the other hand, male or female, if your number one desire is to get the best job possible go like gangbusters to get it. My very un-educated guess is that, at least for you, the “gender gap” will be far less significant.
You are rocking the free world Pete Bardunias! Thank you so much for adding your ‘very male’ voice to this discussion. Great insights!!
Love the headline. It’s so interesting to read something like this, as a Gen Y woman who feels liberated by the culture shift my mother’s and grandmothers’ generations fought for, has very 21st century values, has no plans for kids, and somehow missed the fairytale immersion while growing up overseas. I’ve always had an inkling that my over-accountability, cautionary approach to ambition, fear of not being informed enough for a given professional situation, and aversion to risk were related to the fact that I’m a woman, but was unsure why. Now I’m thinking it really is generational baggage. I do feel the weight of “God forbid we drop the damn ball.” And I do know that it holds me back, because I watch other less-qualified, less capable people–often but not always men–snap up opportunities. Hopefully truth is power, because I now know that “as women so much of our fear about success is in our own heads.”
You go girl!! Great commentary..!